No More

by Russell_Lehmann

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4,026. I have spent 4,026 hours staring at my computer screen waiting to find love, and it hasn’t gotten me one damn thing. I have no friends, okay? I have no social life. I take my college courses online and I work at home, so where the hell am I supposed to meet a woman? I have tried so many times to immerse myself into society and make friends, but every single time it blows up in my face. The harder I try to put myself out there the worse I get hurt.

Perhaps the most infuriating element of being lonely is that people don’t understand how truly devastating and detrimental it is. The pain that stems from it is excruciating. My soul, the very essence of who I am, frenetically writhes as it is cast aflame by the smoldering remains of what my life could have been, what my life should have been, and is stoked by what my life is.

I collapse on the floor and soak the carpet with my tears multiple times a week. I become so enraged that I have to keep myself from literally tearing down my house with my bare hands. LITERALLY. I oftentimes think about putting a bullet in my brain, and wonder at what sweet rest there must be in the grave. I pray every motherfucking day that I’ll meet someone who understands my pain, for I have never met a soul who can relate to me. I suppose this is what keeps my heart beating, because although my life has been absolute shit, I somehow believe that one day I will encounter somebody who can comprehend my fucked-up life. Somehow, someway, I believe.

Since I was 14, I have wanted nothing more than to be in a relationship. Maybe this is the reason that I have spent 4,026 hours (the equivalent of 168 days or 5 ½ months) scrolling through profiles on dating sites and blindly gazing at my inbox to see if I receive a message.

I don’t date for fun. I date as a means of vetting a woman who might be compatible with me, in order to form a relationship that blossoms into something meaningful, something magical, something…beautiful.

As I have already mentioned, I have no connections to the outside world. Therefore, five years ago I took the desperate dive into the shallow pool that is online dating. As a result, I have come away with more head wounds then I ever thought imaginable.

In the years that I have been a participant in online dating, I have gone on dates with dozens of women. It is an exhausting, grueling and arduous practice. To always give every ounce of effort I have in being a gentleman. Always opening every door. Constantly paying for every dinner, movie or other event. Never letting my date walk to her car alone, even if it was a horrible date. Regularly offering my jacket when the woman seems to be cold. At all times initiating the first text to see how their day has been, and yet after all this I seemingly never receive any reciprocity. It’s a full-time job, for the reason that, unfortunately for me, I take this shit seriously. As I said before, I don’t date for fun, I date for substance.

If I am to be completely honest with you, every single woman I have gone out with has turned out to be beyond superficial. To add texture to such a rather audacious claim, allow me to lay bare the performers of this circus I have been trapped in.

 

  • Emma: After having a great first date, she told me that she didn’t want to go out again because she was gay, which she made me promise not to tell anyone. One month later I saw a photo on Facebook she posted of her and a guy, with the caption “I love my boyfriend SO MUCH!!!”

 

  • Angela: She broke up with me, just to text me a week later saying that she wanted to get back together. I texted her back, but was completely ignored. She went on to text me every month or so with such messages as “miss you” or “come on over”, which I obviously never responded to.

 

  • Chantel: We were dating for six weeks when I asked her to be my Valentine. Her response: “No thanks. I don’t see a need for such a holiday. Plus I don’t want to be committed right now”. She never spoke to me again and was in a relationship two weeks later.

 

  • Camille: This woman had a knack for ruining plans. We dated for quite a while, and at one point she had canceled on me four times in a row. So, to make things simple, I invited her over to my place. “I’m really looking forward to it!” she told me. I spent the whole afternoon making my house absolutely flawless and texted her to let me know when she was on my street, which was supposed to be any minute. She texted back “OMG! I totally forgot about tonight!” We never spoke again.

 

  • Candace: We talked over coffee for three hours on our first date. During our conversation, she told me how she absolutely hated it when people purposely ignored her texts. Our date ended, and she told me that she would like to go out again, and I agreed. She never again responded to any of my texts, calls or emails.

 

  • Seven women made it quite clear that they wanted to form a relationship with me, only to go back to their ex within a matter of weeks.

 

  • Nine different women have canceled a first date, a few of them more than once or twice. Some of them gave me a day’s notice, some an hour notice, and some notified me after I had already been stood up. Great, thanks for the heads up.

 

Online dating has become ridiculously polluted by egos, drama and dicks (literally and figuratively). Women will create a profile just so they can get more followers on Instagram. They state that they are by no means looking for a relationship, but that you should message them anyway. I assume they sign up for online dating just to boost their pride, to see how many guys will drool over them and ask them out, even when they are obviously not on the market.

If you are an average-looking woman, expect to receive around 50 messages a day from guys who just want to hook up, and be prepared to receive some unwanted pictures. All of this leaves guys like me, guys who are truly looking for a relationship, almost no chance of finding any success, and yet, I can never seem to delete my profile. Don’t ask me why, but even though I have been to hell and back enough times to accumulate frequent flier miles, I am still an overwhelming optimist, and I always tell myself that tomorrow will be the day when the woman of my dreams creates an online dating profile.

But no more. I am writing this today to tell you that I am deleting my dating profile. I am succumbing to the old adage that true love only comes to those who are not looking for it. Instead of spending hours a day searching for love online, I am going to start immersing myself in public once again, with the hopes of making connections to the outside world. I need to broaden my horizons and expand my worldly experience; I need to take my mind off of finding love and in its place focus on finding individuals who are genuine, grounded and admirable.

I need to stop looking for love, and await the moment when love starts looking for me.

 

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