I come to relay this story from the comforts of heaven. I may be emotional at times, for I died so very young. The day on which I died was only yesterday as well, so please, please bear with me.
The day I died was an unconventional day filled with dread and gloom. Yet, if I am to indeed mix in here the truth, it was also a day filled with spectacular sights! The dread fell upon my loved ones (that is, if I can truly trust that they did indeed love me), while the gloom came from the dreary sky. The magnificent spectacles, however, seemed to pleasure almost no one but myself, for only a handful of people that I came into contact with were interested in observing such glamorous and amazing events. This truly hurt me deep down. But who am I to play such a somber song right now? Let me convey to you the acts that took place during the day on which I died!
I had opened my eyes just as the sun was creeping over the horizon. It was to be a beautiful day, but my outlook towards this was indeed pessimistic. Why, you ask? I loathed, LOATHED this dwelling I inhabited, this dwelling of the supposed “healing of the mind”, as the white suits put it. However, let us traverse back to the story.
On this particular morning, that is, the day on which I died, my body felt like a near empty shell, for indeed I could still feel my heart beating away. I was indebted to head down to the cafeteria for breakfast, for not only was my heart inside my shell of a body, but my empty stomach, too! Oh, you FOOLS! How could you not think that I didn’t have a stomach?! No matter, no matter, let me continue my story if you will allow me to. As I was saying, I was headed down to the refectory when a man, a hideous man, approached me from a neighboring room. His hands were clenched and shaking, and his eyes seemed to pierce right through my body. “You seem down today, sir. May I offer you some happiness?” the man said. I could always go for some happiness, this I indeed could. I inquired about his proposition, and without hesitance the vile man unclenched his hands, and in which appeared before my eyes a superfluous bagful of Orange Sunshine. “Take them, free of charge!” the man stentoriously shouted with a grin of such repulsiveness. I had been without such goods for an entire week, but my mind was loose with temptation and I snatched the Sunshine right from the man’s wretched hands with such force as to leave his palms bleeding. Pushing him aside, I ran down the stairs to fill my vacant stomach.
Now, as I filled my plate with food, I thought to myself, what would be more appropriate than taking Orange Sunshine with orange juice? What a superb idea that I had indeed thought of! I sat down on one of the room’s cold, creaking chairs and went right for the bag of pills. “One?” I thought to myself, “Two? Three? Four? All of them perhaps?” I decided to take half now, and leave the rest for my later enjoyment. As I placed them closer and closer to my salivating mouth, my cachinnatory muscles emitted a giggle of such delight that I can hardly remember the incredible feeling!
I swallowed them, yes! I swallowed them! Oh sweet mercy! How could I have let myself go a whole week without such a pleasurable experience?! Oh, how indeed pleasurable! I must have had the look of a beautified goddess on my face, for all others in the cafeteria turned to me with such delight! You should have seen the joyous smiles they had on their faces! How happy they must have been for me! Oh how happy!
After enjoying and appreciating the peoples’ kindness and generosity for my pleasure, I soon looked down upon my regular array of breakfast, which included a blueberry muffin, banana, a slice of rye and a blueberry muffin. My mouth, now dry as a corpse, was opposed to having enter into it such food. But oh, how I indeed craved for a blueberry muffin! But damnation! Where would I find such a thing in a place like this?! Where would I find such a thing?! With furry I tossed my breakfast off the table and, without forgetting to grab my Sunshine, ran, ran with swiftness up to my room.
As I closed the door behind me, an utter rush of heat entered the core of my body. How hot I became! Oh, how hot indeed! I ripped my clothes off with such force as to tear every article of clothing. At this moment I had to thank the Lord, for a beautiful lady of pure ice crept through my second story window. She continued on her path and embraced me with such exhilaration that her body started to melt from the heat of my own. Oh, but how refreshing this was! The Lady of Ice! THE Lady of Ice, had come to visit me, ME, in my time of need! What did I tell you about such spectacular sights?! What did I tell you?!
Not moments after I was clutched by the Lady of Ice was she but a puddle on the ground. But how, you must be asking, are these events relevant to the day that I died? You imbeciles! You worthless imbeciles! Have you not heard that patience is indeed a virtue? This is my story to tell and I will tell it as I like! As I was saying, the Lady of Ice was now nothing but a puddle, a mere puddle of uselessness. How could she leave me in my time of need? That wretched tease! To come into my room and relieve my sweltering of a body, and then disappear as if we had not made a connection of any sort! Oh! How infuriating this was! How indeed infuriating! Death I wish upon her soul! Her soul I wish death upon!
I stared at that despicable puddle for no less than eight hours, yet the sun had not moved a single inch during the time in which I took to stare. During the moments following my prolonged glare, I was overcome with boredom. Such ennui I was experiencing that I had intended to experiment medically upon myself, but just as I was to do so, my window shattered with such unexplainable might. My room began to shake violently, and I could hear the devil himself laughing! Laughing! At me! ME! Oh that smug bastard! How conceited he was in laughing at my own unclothed body! And the sky! The sky! How dark it became! Beelzebub’s army of imps must have been on their way to take me away, but this I could not allow. I rushed over to my torn clothing to retrieve the rest of my Orange Sunshine. Hurriedly, I dumped them into my left hand, or so I thought, for they all landed in the puddle of the Lady of Ice. Quickly I kneeled down to pick them up, but far too slippery they were! Frantically, I licked them up with three swift motions of my tongue, relieved and proud at what I had just accomplished.
The powers of God were with me now, for I was weightless, an advantage I would surely have over Satan himself. Armed with nothing other than an old scalpel in which I was to use for my experiment, I drifted up to the corner of my room, fearfully awaiting the malevolent troops sent to take me away. Not long did I have to wait, for the devil had arrived by his lonesome, with no imps in sight. He soon rushed towards me, and at once I thrust my scalpel into his jugular, but without effect. With the strength of who knows what, he snatched the instrument out of my trembling hand and with one rapid slice to my naked thigh did me in. How could God have forsaken me?! Why would he let a man of my magnitude die by the hands of Lucifer himself?! Why I ask? WHY?! Oh, if I am to meet him here in this blissful paradise in which I now reside I shall indeed tear him to pieces with the lashings of my tongue! With the lashings of my tongue I say!
The aftermath of such a battle between good and evil, in which the latter unfortunately prevailed, was sure to make me a martyr. Reinforcing this belief of mine was the sight of looking down upon my lifeless, bloodied body. Oh how regal I appeared! How regal indeed! I was sure that my family was to be as proud as could be once they laid their eyes upon my corpse, but when they entered my room (accompanied by police of course), they gasped in such horror as to make my pupils dilate with anger. They did not care! They did not care that I had fought the good fight, dying in such valor that before yesterday had never taken place before! Oh, those selfish, thick, shams of people!
The police! The police! The police I could hear! Talking to my kin, they lied through their teeth, tricking them into thinking that I had brought my death upon myself! How mad they must have been! How mad indeed! Turning a heroic act into some charade in which the deceased hero had committed suicide! Yes, I know! Committed suicide! What a farce, a farce indeed!
Now, as I inhabit this place they call heaven, I have told you the story, with much control over my own personal feelings and emotions, of the day that I died. Take what you will from it, for I have already decided what my position here in heaven is: to exact revenge on the actual devil himself; God. I shall be with you again once this next task has been completed, for indeed you will want to hear the story of the day in which God died!